I Die Daily

Another week comes and goes. We've just finished our sixth week and are officially halfway through our lecture phase. It's been a crazy month and a half since I arrived and I've definitely changed more than I can say. Which I'm very happy about! This week the topic was about missions and it was super inspiring. We all felt so excited every morning when it was time for the lecture to start.

When someone hears the word missions, they often picture some poor Jesus freak who doesn't have anything but works for free. Or they think of the complete opposite. Someone who gets money from other people but usually spends it on themselves while working for the community they're in. That's generally the picture I get. However, as we read through the book of Acts this week, I found my view on it changing for the better. Our speaker made it seem to come alive to us and inspired us in so many ways.

What consistently stood out to me was the persecution that the apostles and disciples of Christ had to go through while they spoke out on how they felt about their faith. They were beaten, scourged, burned, crucified, and a number of other things, yet when they were told to stop speaking, they responded with “We cannot stop speaking on the things we have seen and heard,” which completely captivated me. It really got me thinking on whether or not my faith has been real to me if I'm not willing to die for what I believe. Paul wrote that he “dies daily” and that phrase is on my mind constantly even as I write this. At the end of this week, we had a chance to respond to what God was saying in our lives. I really felt as though I was being told “Lay down what others want for you and look to what I want for you.” I was pretty shocked when that came because I thought that in me coming here, I'd laid down a lot. I think though, in a lot of ways that was only the beginning of what God is wanting me to lay down for Him. It's hard to put into words how this week made me feel but to put it simply, it warmed and captivated my heart. I truly felt myself coming alive.

There were a lot of things that came up, a lot I had to fight against this week. Spiritual warfare came strongly in my life and I found myself quite sick over the past weekend and the first couple of days of the week. Though I wasn't sick with a flu or anything, I couldn't keep food down and walked around like I hadn't slept all night, even though the reality was that I'd slept more than enough. I had a few people here pray for me and many from home also keeping me in their prayers which I believe truly helped me out the most.

There was also a lot of talk about forgiveness and repentance this week which threw me off quite a lot because of how deep I found conviction truly goes. I'm someone who feels convicted easily and the previous week we'd had to make a list of what we needed to openly repent to God for and people we needed to forgive. The repentance list was not a short list and the forgiving list went deeper than I thought. On Wednesday, we all sat in a circle with our lists and took turns praying out to God for forgiveness and that we chose to forgive the people who'd hurt us in our past. This was probably the most freeing thing I have ever done in my relationship with God. To openly admit to past sins, turn away from them, and then choose to offer the same forgiveness God gives to other people, it has an incredible affect! I don't think I've been the same since this day. My heart is full of more joy, freedom, and graciousness than before. We were encouraged to make it right if we felt convicted with something we'd done in our lives, and many people made the step to that which was so inspiring to see and experience! Though it was all very difficult to walk into, we came out with a much stronger bond, knowing there were no secrets between us, but also no judgement either. Just acceptance, love, and encouragement.

There's been times this week that I've felt a little homesick. Sometimes I'll be listening to music and a country song will pop up and I'll remember those times at home when I'd speed down the roads, listening to country music, singing along at the top of my lungs. Or when my Mama writes me “Oh, we're having chicken noodle soup for dinner and then having a Netflix night.” and I get a flashback to when my parents and I would be sitting together just talking and laughing. I miss workdays with my Papa, climbing ladders, using nail guns, lifting and moving things bigger than my little body, not being able to keep paint off myself, and sometimes even that terrible glue that would stick to my hands for days. I miss dancing for hours on end every weekend, teasing my siblings, sitting at the piano to sing and write, and movie/Starbucks dates with friends. Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever already and will I ever be home? Other times I sit in amazement that it's already been six weeks and has so much really changed in my heart?

Despite feeling homesick, God is at work. A mix of emotions this week has really shown me that God is stable, that He is the one thing that will never change when everything around me does. He's a comfort. He's a strong tower. Sacrificing what I need to in order to live and die for Christ is an honor.

For those amazing prayer warriors who come alongside my journey from home, pray against homesickness. Pray that I can live in this moment and enjoy it for what it truly is. Pray against spiritual warfare that is around all of us here. Pray for the rest of my outreach money to come!!! (Still accepting donations for those interested in giving.) I believe God provides and answers prayers, so please be praying for that. :) That's all, folks!

“To live is Christ. To die is gain.”

-Naomi