Another week of lectures has finished on this stranger weathered Australian Friday. My mind is once more in a frenzy as I try to piece together everything I've learned and it's strange realizing that it really is possible to learn a life's amount of lessons in a matter of months, but it seems as though that's what's been going on here. Lately I've been trying my hardest to communicate, really communicate, the things that I learn and walk through during this eventful journey. I don't think I've ever had to go through a more overwhelming process than the one I'm currently in.
The topic this week was on the character and nature of God and it has blown my mind. I'm not entirely sure where to start in sharing the experiences and difficulties I've faced this week, so forgive me if it's all a bit out of sorts!
I'll definitely start with the highlight of the week for myself. On Wednesday, my Emerge school group did an activity in our afternoon class of writing our name on a sheet of paper, decorating it a bit, and then sitting around a table and passing the sheets around to write a note of encouragement, a picture that God has shown you to share with this person, or a scripture of some sort. Anything that could be an encouragement to them. When I received my sheet of paper back, I was extremely overwhelmed with everything that everyone had written on it to encourage me! The following day, we again did a similar exercise with the addition of the Sports school group as well. Again, I received incredible words of encouragement from everyone. One note that stood out to me the most was this one: "There's an inner sunshine in you. Can't wait to get to know you better and see you shine!" This one spoke volumes to me as it was something I'd been struggling with these past six months. How could I shine again? I've felt so burnt out and just dead inside for so long. Sometimes it feels like I've forgotten how to laugh and smile, so for someone to see that and say that to me was a little strange. I've wondered for a long time how to step out and shine again the way I knew I could. It concerned me that no one really knew me and it scared me to think that what if these whole six months went by without anyone really knowing the sunny, bubbly, expressive me that I am? It seemed though that while I was questioning all of this, God was already working on something. He took something I'm passionate about and directed it back to me through music, showing me a lot of direction on the next step I should take. I noticed that God wanted me to step out more and put myself out there, so that He could begin using me for His glory. Of course, this is scary for me and I'm terrified of those dumb questions of "What if no one likes the sunny, bubbly, expressive me?" or "What am I supposed to do now?" popping up, because I know they definitely will. But I'll be fighting against those for the next while as I learn to express myself again, especially in a new community such as the one I've moved into. That was a highlight for me this week. Getting to know myself again.
Now the not so easy part. The biggest struggle. These past six months of my life, and even prior to that, I've learned how to turn off my emotions and numb myself to feeling things. I thought that was what was best and I thought that was the easiest route to take, instead of facing a lot of pain and heartache that come along with the experiences I've gone through. Along with learning the things I've learned this week, I've still been processing the things of the past week about vulnerability. Feelings come along when one becomes vulnerable and last week, I'd finished my blog post with not quite knowing how to go from knowing to being. (I didn't phrase it in those words, but that is somewhat along the lines of what I'd meant.) However this week, I have come to terms with it and it's a slow process of taking it one step at a time. It was a week of firsts as I expressed to someone how I felt about something, which I was terrified of doing, but in the end it strengthened our bond and made me love this person all the more. I went to someone for help with an emotional struggle I've been facing this week and found open arms and a load of understanding, as we talked and prayed together. Even though feeling again has unlocked a lot of positive things, it's mostly been the rough side of emotions that I've had to deal with. Because of blocking out sadness and heartache, I've had to invite those things in again along with the joy and excitement of feelings. I'm still in a place where I don't know what to do with the emotions I've been flooded with. Sometimes I laugh like a maniac because I'm finally able to and other times I just sit and cry because I have no idea what feeling is like anymore. It'll be a slow process of adjusting to all this unfamiliar weirdness. I never knew that I was really numb until all of this happened and suddenly it all flooded over me in this waterfall of icy water. It really is something I can't put into words.
I think the main thing I will need prayer for this week is just the ability to maintain openness and vulnerability with the amazing family I've found in these people. They're all loving, accepting, and eager to get to know one another, so pray that my heart continues to open up more with each passing day and that I would have understanding in other areas that God wants me to grow in. Prayer for patience is also something I would appreciate, as I'm a bit impatient when I know something is going on.
Thank you all so much for your love and support as I continue on this indescribable journey!
-Naomi
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