Tears of Change

This week has been incredibly intense for me. I can't remember a time when I've cried as much as I have. It's been so overwhelming being here and having all these new things brought into my life. It's a huge change not only externally but internally as well.

The topic was Hearing God's Voice and Communicating with God. It centered a lot around vulnerability and that's where I had a really difficult time. It involved being open with the people around me and with God and even myself at times. There were multiple exercises about digging into oneself and listening for God's voice, which has amazing and wondrous results. I never felt more in tune than in those moments.

Honestly, the majority of this week was spent asking myself the question "Why am I here?" The things I had to walk through and am still working through went painfully deep and every time we'd come out of a deep thought-provoking and spiritually searching exercise, I always ended up in a pile of tears. My days were spent wondering what was happening and my nights were spent questioning what on earth God was doing to me. I felt broken and I can't recall a time in my life when I've had to face so many difficulties in just making it to class without breaking down or being surrounded by people every day.

I avoided as many things involving people as I could until I finally confided in someone that I was slowly shutting down, which is probably one of the first times I've gone to someone about that with the intention of getting help to steer clear of it. And it worked. I was in a dark spot and by pushing myself to my limit and surrounding myself with loving, supportive people whenever I could was actually surprisingly good for an introvert like me. And the encouragement I received brought me to tears, but the happy sort this time.

All week, I've felt in sort of a black hole in the area of my spiritual life. I've never walked through a healing process like this, and yes that's what I believe this is. I've faced every hurt area that I've had in the past year and even though it's still difficult and I still don't understand what's going on, I think it will all be okay. Waking up this morning, I laid in bed and again said "God, why am I here?" and I had this distinct impression of a still voice saying "Persevere, Naomi. You've done well. Keep persevering. Be strong. You're almost there." That was definitely a jump start to my day!

And that is honestly where I'm at. Still in the middle of this strange mess I'm facing but feeling strangely calm and patient with it. I would really appreciate prayer in this as I know it is only the beginning of a long and crazy journey. And with that, I'm signing off this entry. There's not much left to say other than what I've shared because I'm still in the midst of processing all of this and working through it. But thank you for all of your love and support while I've been here! It's been an adventurous and incredible two weeks so far!

- Naomi